this place is so empty
my thoughts are so tempting
I don't know how it got so bad
sometimes it's so crazy
that nothing can save me

- sum 41

2005 is fast approaching, I'm lookin forward to it. To recap this yr... I had three resolutions: get better marks in sch, get back my once flat stomache, and get into less fights with the folks. I kept 2 outta 3, not too shabby. This means for the upcoming yr:

1. get back into shape
2. get even better marks in sch
3. become the "cool one" with the little kids at kung fu (should be easier to teach/babysit them if they like me)

I'm actually very proud of myself with the way I've handled things with my parents, for the most part. So I'll be sure to keep that up.

Merry Christmas

Finally wrote my last exam on monday. Went shopping and saw ocean's twelve afterwards; the shopping was a bit of a letdown considering I didn't really see anything worth buying, ocean's twelve wasn't as good as the original but still was not too shabby. Anyhoo, I guess I wanted to make a wish list. Here goes:

1. honda accord coupe v6 fully loaded (in about 2 1/2 yrs from my mom hopefully)
2. iBook (in about 1 yr from my dad)
3. iPod (to match the iBook)
4. samsung camera flip phone
5. small black wallet
6. dvd's: collateral, ocean's eleven, zoolander, american beauty, bourne identity, hero, pirates of the carribean... I'm sure there's more I can't think of right now..
7. cd's: gwen stefani, jay-z vs. linkin park
8. warm winter gloves (warm being the key word since mine are nice looking but the wind cuts right through them)
9. body shop lotions
10. digicam (maybe buyin on boxing day)

It's really not even practical for me to get an iPod since I have a perfectly good md walkman or the camera phone since I just bought my cell not even 5 months ago but ya, I had nothin else to put on the list. Fortunately.

I've never looked forward to a monday so much... it's gotten to the point where instead of wishin for more time to study, I just want to get it over with. I'm so ready to start my break.... the thing I've missed the most is spending several hours shopping. A luxury I can't afford during exams.

So I've basically given up on studying for today... bout to call it a night and go to sleep at a decent hour. For some reason, I've been stayin up till 2 or 3am the past few nights and I know messin up my sleep schedule like that cannot be a good thing. At least it'll all be over soon.. less than a week actually. The thing about bein up so late is there's this sense of peacefulness and loneliness intermingled. I'm tryin to combat the latter feeling by trying to get myself into the christmas spirit, but I just feel so .... solely responsible for my actions... it's depressing. I've just gotten to the point where it is so blatantly obvious to me that no one can help me. This probably doesn't make a lot of sense... I guess it's kinda like when I was younger, I would get sick and my mom would say she wished she could do it for me (be sick and miserable). Of course, it wasn't possible and the same thing applies now. You can have all these ppl surrounding you but they can't go through your struggles for you.

December is upon us and that can only mean two things.
1. finals
2. the sweet release of christmas break

A more detailed look at my schedule:
dec 2nd-4th: lab finals
8th: last day of classes
15th-20th: finals

All I live for is 12 noon on the 20th to come. Better days.

Hello loyal reader, not a whole lot to blog about.... startin to feel the stress for finals. I actually have my biol lab final this sat which is really not cool. I've developed some better study habits this term but in the process, I think I may have lost my ability to cram. Last yr, if my lab final was 3 days away, that's when I'd start... fast forward to present day and I'm thinkin I'm so screwed for sat, we'll see if I can push through.

I don't know what to make of today. I gave up my entire long weekend to study for biochem and it totally didn't pay off, I'm just stunned right now. I was convinced I aced that exam, I guess I have to go see it. I would probably chalk this whole day up to a loss if I hadn't seen The Incredibles. Amazing movie. Still, somehow it pales in comparison to my absolute disappointment.

As many of us use this four day long weekend to booze it up or, in the case of the nerds, to study it up we often lose sight of the importance of rememberance day. As more generations pass, we grow farther from the feeling of being linked to the veterans. I don't know if I should feel guilty about this... I did see something on a commercial for a vancouver news station about a woman who has been stealing poppy money from veterans so I guess I don't feel too guilty in comparison.. At any rate, regardless of how you utilize the "free" time, I feel it's in our best interests to try to keep in mind why it is we're getting a long weekend.

It occurs to me that many of us are not good with change or adaptation. Mainly what I want to talk about is how when you first get to know someone, that idea of who they are stays with you for a long time if not forever unaltered. This might account for why parents will always think of you as a helpless little baby who is at a loss without them. Basically, if you've ever had a long time friend who's gotten less and less like the kind of person you want to hang out with (the person they once were). Most likely, you're still friends just because you still remember how cool they used to be. It's a little warped but it definitely applies to me. For example, I had a crush on this guy when I first met him, he seemed like a really nice guy. Not a manslut, in good shape, smart. But over time, he's gotten so cocky it's ridiculous. It took me a while to realize that if I met him as he is now, there would be absolutely no attraction. Eventually, I had to let go of the crush cause he's just not that guy anymore. We all try to hold on to the person subconciously hoping they'll revert back to who you want them to be, never accepting that time has passed and change is inevitable.

Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the stars refuse to shine
Out of the back you fall in time
I somehow find
You and I collide

-Howie Day

this choice I made keeps playing in my head over and over again
- nelly ft. tim mgcraw

Well, it's gotten to that point in the term where I get all frustrated and start to lose interest as well as motivation. Funny how it always coincides with midterms....

Just wanna quickly say that I hate the curve. My psych mark would be .3 higher if I had gotten one more question right and if I had gotten one more question wrong, it'd still be at the same mark. Frixis. I'm so lucky my bioch is not on a curve otherwise my mark would be .3 lower so maybe the universe has a way of balancing out.... but I'm still pissed.

So to elaborate on my last post, I am now allowed to know the thing I know... which is that this girl I used to be friends with in high sch is pregnant, drama much? I first heard it from someone who was told specifically not to tell me but on my way to study on sat, I ran into this guy from my old high sch on the bus and he started the convo with "Hey! Did you know your ex is gonna be a father but is in denial about it?" to which I replied "Yes, I do know but I'm not supposed to." Basically now that I'm allowed to know and have gotten over the initial shock, I'm not gonna do anything about it. She's really not someone I wanna talk to again so I'm just gonna leave this whole soap opera mess alone. It seems she's still into her old patterns.. not learning from mistakes and making stupid decisions after the fact. Even if I wanted to help her and talk to her, I doubt she'd listen.... exactly why we're not friends anymore.

I really hate it when I know something I'm not supposed to.

live strong

i'd hear heaven - hedley

so close your eyes there's no suprise you'll realize they hear you
just hide your fear come closer dear it's hard when no one loves you
i'm on the soul of every role of every place your taking
until i'm done just stay for fun tomorrow's breaking even

too late never say tomorrow is another day
one love i'm one away i never thought that i'd hear heaven say
inside i know the way she fell like fire i forgot to play
one love i'm one away i never thought that i'd hear heaven say

we've lost our chance our one last dance them circumstances fail us
we'd wait too long they found our song it seems like time's against us
maybe it's me i'm overboard and singing for no reason
but life is light love like a fight today we're breaking even

too late never say tomorrow is another day
one love i'm one away i never thought that i'd hear heaven say
inside i know the way she fell like fire i forgot to play
one love i'm one away i never thought that i'd hear heaven say

everyone here thinks i'm crazy
seems like most of us love lazy
waiting round here is amazing
everyone runs like its hazy

too late never say tomorrow is another day
one love i'm one away i never thought that i'd hear heaven say
inside i know the way she fell like fire i forgot to play
one love i'm one away i never thought that i'd hear heaven say

true love never say tomorrow is another day
one love i'm one away i never thought that i'd hear heaven say
inside i know the way she fell like fire i forgot to play
one love i'm one away i never thought that i'd hear heaven say

[kung fu post. do not read if not interested.]

Ever since I was in junior high, kung fu has been my hobby. I picked it because it was something that no other person at sch was doing, it was sort of a typical asian thing to do and let's not forget that song "everybody loves kung fu fighting." At the time, I lived about 5 blocks away from chiu lau kung fu and it seemed like the answer... after about two yrs and a sudden realization that all he did was take our money, I quit. I went half a yr without kung fu and was inevitably drawn back when my brother came up with the idea to join ging wu... almost 4 yrs later, I've got mixed feelings about it.

On the one hand, I really love how involved in the community ging wu is. All the tournaments and demos have been great experiences but I'm sort of at a crossroads since I'm not technically advanced or intermediate... somewhere in the middle... I basically feel like they consider me advanced and expect me to help out with teaching when it's convenient for them. Another thing that has always given ging wu a bad rap is that quite a few of the advanced ppl are extremely cocky. Now behind this cockiness is an obvious (at least to me) fear, I've noticed that these same cocky individuals will not try new moves in front of everyone else because obviously when trying something new, there's a huge probability that you'll look like an idiot. This is a major reason for why these ppl end up focusing all their energy on one thing they're good at and neglecting other things.

I've gotten a bit caught up in this behaviour but no more. I'm sure the advanced ppl talk shit about me behind my back anyway so why not make a fool out of myself if it might make me better in the long run? I just need to take a step back from wanting so desparately to make sijea and let the hoggers hog the class, I don't need to teach. I definitely don't want to become a hogger. Who knows? Maybe becoming sijea is in my future, but if not that's ok too.

So I've been on a bit of a roll in terms of blogging and thought I'd keep it up. I now totally understand why some of my high sch friends (mainly the ones who don't go to the u) were so mad at me when I totally ignored them last yr during sch. In my defence, first yr was very scary. But that's neither here nor there... the point is it's not that said friend can't make time for you, they choose not to. Maybe in the grand scheme of things, having your teenage friends like you is not a big deal. I know a lot of ppl who don't think they'll remain friends after sch. I guess those ppl would opt to pick sch over friends. Remember that episode of the o.c. where oscar was tryin to steal marissa away from ryan and oscar said "don't mess up your life for some girl you're not gonna care about in 5 yrs"? Well, I guess that summarizes what might be the reasoning for why some ppl just disappear when sch is in. In conclusion, if someone ever tells you how sad they are that they don't get to see some of their friends every day even though this person knows full well exactly where those ppl are and chooses not to walk the extra 5 min to the next building (say from cab to hub) to see them... I don't know... smack them or somethin.... and smack me if I'm bein a hypocrite which is entirely possible in this case.

I've been ignoring my blog lately. I guess it's partly because life is pretty boring as per usual but mainly, I just don't really know how to express what I'm feeling. If you've ever seen the episode of undergrads where nitz has an identity crisis, then that's pretty close. For the most part, I like bein single but recently I've been goin through a period of really wishin I had someone. I'll get over it soon but till then, bleh. (It's a cycle, yay I'm single...... boo I'm single.. yay...... boo.. you get the point.) A major part of how I'm doin lately is the whole friends thing. Part of me really wishes I had more friends but I like the ones I have and I'm supremely bummed out that this yr, I haven't seen the same ppl I used to see every day last yr. Might be a factor in why this sch yr sucks.

Hey kiddies. Just a quick recap of what's been goin on, nothin terribly interesting though. No more work but sch this yr sucks more than last... not entirely sure why.

I don't have to work tomorrow so that means I can go to sleep later.

Chris has sort of pushed me to explain more of my last monday blog mainly for clarity sake for myself. Besides the obvious that some of the ppl I feel the least comfortable around are the ones I've known for the least amount of time, I've also semi discovered that I am very concerned about what impressions I leave. That is a huge part of this problem since I tried so hard to leave a good first impression that it's created a snowball effect where every time I see these ppl, I want to give them the person they first met or if I felt like I left a bad first, then I try to make up for it.
Another huge factor is I meet a lot of ppl through existing friends and however that friend views me is imparted on the new person. I just kinda fit into whatever description that friend gave to make things easier.
I'm gonna try to make the atmosphere around me more lax, gonna be more myself and let whoever decide for themselves.

So there you go ladies and gents, the three of you who read my blog had all made a comment about it and questioned what exactly I was tryin to say and I hope that clears it up a bit.

Quit my job. Last day is friday.

Lately I've been thinkin bout the ppl I know. I feel like I have a lot of acquaintances but very few friends. Then among the small group of ppl I consider my friends, there are the ones I feel fairly comfortable around and there are ones that I think I try too hard to impress. These are the ppl I feel I need to be entertaining and funny around. I'm gettin sick of puttin on this show.

Not too much to talk about.... my dad's leavin town tomorrow for 3 weeks. I sure am gonna miss him but his car will help ease the pain. Still flip flopping between whether or not to quit roots.

Locked my keys in the trunk monday, my dad had to come downtown and was not impressed. Not allowed to drive for an unspecified period of time. This whomps.

Hello. As we students all know, there is about a month of summer left...

I took in kdays on sat and was only there for about an hour and a half. Every yr, I get a little more bored a little faster... maybe I'm just too old for kdays. I am disappointed I didn't get to see the cirque show everyone told me about.

[martial arts stuff]
Yest my kung fu club had 3 demos at heritage days. The first two were at hong kong pavilion and I screwed up my hand form in the second show :( However, this yr no screwups with my weapon... aside from cutting myself but no one noticed. Still disappointed in the crowd at heritage which always seems to lack enthusiasm which I think is largely due to a lack of understanding with how much training goes into it.

Last show was china which was good since that pavilion was right next to borneo. I got to watch Kev and Noel lion dance in a demo setting for the first time and was totally impressed. Although the performance wasn't perfect I still really enjoyed the things that were attempted. I still think there is way too much poilitics involved... somehow a "rivalry" started between bcaa and ging wu. I clapped for bcaa even though some of my fellow ging wu members told me not to. I also noticed that some bcaa ppl started watchin our demo and I did not see them clap.

I can swallow my pride and say that I find bcaa's lion dance to be at a higher difficulty level than ours with the pedestals in their demo. But different ppl and even groups in this case have diff strengths and weaknesses based on where we place emphasis. In my defence, I'd have to say that ging wu has hand forms, weapon forms, as well as sparring to focus on besides lion dance. It was news to me that bcaa had recently started honing in on hand and weapon forms. By watching our demos, I think anyone would notice that bcaa's lion dance portion is the main event whereas ours is more the hand and weapon forms. Another thing I just want to point out is our styles of lion dancing are totally diff. I found bcaa's style to be more about endurance and showmanship whereas I would describe our lion dance to be shorter since the emphasis is placed more on power and sharp movements. I just hope that next yr and in yrs after that both groups clap as a show of support for the other.

Please note that none of this blog was meant to put anyone down, just my comparison and thoughts which is what a blog is all about. If something offends anyone, pls let me know since I'm sure it's just bad wording.
[end martial arts stuff]

Evenin all. Nothin too much to say... 'cept I got a new phone which is sorta cool. Work is lame and I'm tryin to decide if I wanna quit soon.

This blog is perhaps too sappy to post but I haven't blogged in a while so I'm just gonna put it out there. Enjoy!
 
So it's been almost two years since I've had a boyfriend and part of me is kinda bummed out but I'm mainly ok with it, surprisingly. I feel like I'm at a stage in my life where I don't know who I am or who I want to be. I do know I want to be better but other than that it's pretty open right now and I'm not sure I could really figure it out with someone. Maybe I'm kidding myself and I'm really miserable deep down but I don't feel that way. For the most part, I'm happy and really lookin forward to just being even happier.
 
p.s. There's nothing wrong with you that changing yourself completely won't fix. I know I've mentioned this before but I really thought it tied in with what a couple of my friends as well as myself are trying to accomplish in changing and bettering ourselves. Special good luck to Ranald since I think he's trying to do what I'm trying to except I don't have the guts to go places alone.

Since inventory on sunday was cancelled, I have to work till 11:30pm. I seriously doubt we'll be done by that time but whatevs, that's when I'm gonna leave. Also, I forgive my manager for not calling; she told me that she had taken the employee phone list with her but upon arriving home, her basement was flooded and the power was out. Better days!

4:30ish - left the house to go shopping before work.
5ish (half an hour later) - arrived at the mall after driving through a couple flooded streets. (a drive that usually takes 10 min). stuck in parking lot, cars barely moving.
6ish - time to go to work but mall is being evacuated.
6:30ish - got home.

The worst part of all this is I was stuck in the parking lot for an entire hour. A lot of the time was spent making phone calls to:

my dad - "traffic's bad"
security - "is the mall being evacuated?"
my dad - "I don't have to work, the mall's being evacuated. you're already on your way?"
my brother - "are you finished closing yet?"
my dad - "you want me to turn around and go home? I have stephen. you're in the mall?"
and work - no answer

So my parents had been on their way to pick up my brother but then I got to him first, called my dad who then found us and got in the car. I drove to my mom who was waiting at our other car in a parking lot about a block from the mall and we drove home.

I'm pretty pissed off that no one from work tried to call me to warn me not to go to work. I had to figure out that the mall was being evacuated from the swarms of ppl walkin out and the clearly flooded parking lot. If someone had called me at 5ish which was when my brother said they started evacuating the mall, then I could've turned out of the parking lot sooner. I ended up finding out at 5:30ish when I decided to call security.

I just never learn my lesson. NEVER SPEND TIME WITH PARENTS. Parents have the day off? Get the hell out of the house. What's so hard about that? I don't know but I can't seem to follow it no matter how much sense it makes. Anyhoo, I'm off to pull weeds now. This is fuckin retarded, we don't even have grass. What is the fuckin point?

Planning for a buncha ppl to get together is like fuckin pulling teeth. Now I remember why I never plan. If I ever ask you to hang out and you can't or you just don't want to, say no. I don't have time to listen to your lameass excuses or your "maybe" that obviously means "I'm going to wait till the very last moment to back out." It just feels like I know way too many ppl who I'm sure will not come but I ask anyway so as not to be rude. Whatevs.

It's only your fault if you don't hate yourself enough to do anything about it.

This is a kung fu related post so if you find martial arts totally uninteresting, pls stop reading now.

So the big kahunas at ging wu are all heading to florida for a major tourney for the first week of july. By big kahunas I mean Sifu Brendan, Sifu Charlie, Sihing Dennis, Cynthia, Anita, Sihing Wit, Corey, Winston, "lil" Andy... basically all our hung gar black belts and a handful of the brown belts. More importantly these are the ppl who basically run class, the only person who is not goin who has the authority is Sihing Andy. Now I bet you're all wondering why this is important to me at all, basically I've been asked to help him run class for the week everyone else is gone, I could be wrong but I think this could be important to proving myself in some way.

It's actually kind of funny since I've been asked multiple separate times if I could commit to this. Cynthia was the first to directly ask me if I'd be comfortable teaching the adults alone... and if it was alone, I'd be a bit nervous but Andy'll be there and make no mistake he's the one in charge. I'm just the trusty sidekick. Sifu Brendan had asked me during the red deer tourney then Andy asked and actually made me feel important by pointing out that he couldn't do it alone. More recently, Sifu Brendan asked me again.

I think a lot of the more advanced ppl at ging wu still question my reliability, but I'm hoping after this that they'll see they can count on me. Nothing short of a crippling accident is gonna keep me away for that week. If you don't already know, making Sijei in the next two yrs is a serious goal I have. Right now, by my guess I have about a third of the advanced ppl on my side who believe I would make a good Sijei; however, that leaves a whopping majority of two thirds I still have to convince.

All I have to do is not screw up..

It's been two months of sweet freedom.

Either my dad liked the shirt I got him or he just really appreciated the gesture... or maybe a bit of both.. either way, he seemed pretty happy so that's one success in the failures that make up my life.

Shiet, my lower back hurts like a bitch. Too many leg lifts, I reckon.

Chronicles of Riddick was pretty good except a lot of air time was wasted by him takin off his goggles dramatically then puttin them back on. Also, some of the scenes in the beginning almost gave me seizures. I wanna see Dodgeball and Collatoral (Tom Cruise is the hottest old man on the face of the planet).

Me tired.. Bye

Ahoy hoy! This summer is almost half over and I feel as if I've just wasted it... A warning to you all: do NOT see zatoichi, super boring. What else? Not much, life is pretty boring. I spend my days watchin general hospital or goin to work. Speakin of which, work is gettin crappy; a couple of the cool ppl are quittin, I'm pretty sure it's gonna set a chain rxn of quitters and I'll be left with the squares. Tomorrow is fathers day and I have to exchange the shirts I got for my dad cause my brother thinks they are too small for him. I think I'm gonna give him one for fathers day and one on his bday. Sidenote, one of my cousins is gettin married on my dad's bday. Umm.. that's all I can think of for now. Sunny days!

So I got paid today, now normally that is a good thing but they fucked up my paycheck. If I wasn't so untrusting of them (with good reason it seems), and didn't check to make sure my hours were right I woulda let them jip me outta fifty-so bucks. Haven't decided if I'll stop by tomorrow amidst shopping to let them know or just wait till I work on sat. Later days.

When it comes to bein true, at least true to me
One thing I found, one thing I found
Oh no you neva let me down

Suddenly I feel this urge to go shopping..

Hello all you beautiful people. Just a quick blog before I head to work, as some of you know I went to red deer yest for a tourney. I screwed up my form but got 1st and sparring was quite a let down since I got eliminated the first round... the girl who beat me ended up winning so I guess that's some consolation; nevertheless, a loss is a loss and I must train harder. Despite not performing the way I wanted to, I still had quite a bit of fun. Peace and love.

Hey guys, not much is happening lately. Basically just workin, didn't get the time square job which is a bummer but roots is alright so I'm not too depressed. Later days.

Hello everyone. Turns out if I get the time square job, I'll be able to juggle it with roots since time square only wants 15-20h/week. Right now, roots gives me 20-30h/week so what I can do is just tell them to cut it down to 20 and it'll all be good. I want you all to hope I get the job. Later days.

Ahoy hoy. I cancelled my interview with cap connection; I have an interview with time square fri 330.... if I get the job, should I quit roots?

For those of you who care, I have a new section on the side entitled "workie" this is where I'll post my schedule.

Welcome to my life, where the theme is "mediocre at best."

So when I woke up today, I called time square and the guy that gave me an interview is still out from his car accident.... as soon as I hung up, cap connection called and set up an interview for wed; bout an hour later, roots called and hired me. Now the dilemma is should I still go to the interview?

This is ridiculous. Stupid jacob connexion rescheduled my interview again (fri 10am), buncha retards.

Wow, it's been pretty non-stop since sch ended. The majority of my time has been spent at kung fu, eating, sleeping and shopping. On mon, I went to wem to hand out resumes and time square gave me an interview on the spot but I didn't catch the guy's name... not good.. jacob connexion set up an interview when I dropped off my resume, when I got home roots called and gave me a pre-interview then set up an actual interview. So I was sposed to have two interviews tues (roots 11:30, jacob connexion 3pm). Luckily, I decided to head home after the roots interview instead of bumming around the mall till 3 cause at 1:30 jacob connexion called and rescheduled my interview for thurs 4pm. I'm not too impressed with jacob connexion. I really want the time square job so what I need to do is figure out the guy's name so I can call on fri and ask if he made his decision yet.

we'll buy a lot of clothes but we don't really need em
things we buy to cover up what's inside

So let's talk about a certain fashion trend, the collar up. It seems that so many boys are flipping their jacket and shirt collars up, I wonder if any one of them has stopped to think who started the collar up? Well, I have; it's Dracula. Think about it. Later days.

Hey guys. It's been 3 whole days of summer vacation. What have I been up to? Besides major fights with the folks I've been doing a lot of shopping, eating, and quite a bit of kung fu in preparation for the tournament this sat. Wish me luck. I've also spent quite a bit of time writing my resume, asking ppl for references and it seems to be going pretty well. Hope I get a good job this time around. Later days.

everything changes
everything falls apart
can't stop to feel myself losing control

I'm gonna put this out there even though no one will be able relate. I just want whoever is interested to get a glimpse into how I'm feeling right now. I must be a horrible person because the people who are supposed to love me most hate who I am. So I know you're probably thinking "oh that joanne, always getting into fights with her parents" but there has to be a reason as to why I cannot carry on a conversation for longer than 5 minutes without getting into a fight with my mom. I'm not exactly sure when it happened, but somewhere along the way during the 18 yrs I've lived, my mom turned into the person I most admired into the person who frustrates me most. I can honestly say my love for her is strictly due to obligation. I know a lot of you who read this will not believe this and just think this is another teenage rebellion, if that's what you believe I can't change your mind but I know what I feel. I know myself better than anyone ever will but one thing I will never know is why everyone has something to say about how I should live my life when no one knows what my life is. I must say I have dangerously low self-esteem, and how can I not with such negativity surrounding me in my home? All I ever wanted was to please my parents but the harder I try, the harder I fall. I may not agree with the reasons for why they hate me, but I hate the person I am. A person who can't control her anger, who tries oh so hard to have her opinions heard even though I know that no one is listening. A person who, evidently, has not learnt from her mistakes and will continue to fight a losing battle.

life goes fast
it's hard to make the good things last

Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear, not absence of fear.

Hello all. As most of you know, I gave up pop and fruitopia* for lent. I'm not catholic but Chris inspired me with his quest to give up fast food. (Good job Chris!) Anyway, I'm proud to say I succeeded and as soon as exams are over, olia and myself are going to give up chocolate... I'm going to give it up, olia's gonna try..... Lent is 40 days so we're attempting a mere 20 chocolate-free days. Pray for us.

Although I usually had pop almost every day, I think chocolate's gonna be harder. Even though I don't eat that much chocolate, the cravings are a lot stronger so..... we'll see how it goes. Back to studyin I guess.... later days!

*I really only wanted to give up pop but since Chris was giving up fast food, it made it look kinda slacker-ish so I threw in fruitopia as well. Not apple juice nor five alive, etc. Also, I'm not even catholic so I didn't appreciate being nagged.

So I decided not to be a slacker and I now have a full course load next yr. This means there are way too many spots to fill with classes I don't really need for my third yr... so I've made a potentially life altering decision. I'm taking all the required prereqs for optometry and applying at the end of my second yr.

In case anyone cares, this is the phone I want, it's not out in canada yet...
www.sonyericsson.com z600

If it doesn't come out by the time my phone contract runs out, my back up phone is
www.sonyericsson.com z200

People have already started disappearing... it's like a black hole engulfs all students for exam time, only to spit them back out afterwards.

I know I should be studying but all I can think about is how great this summer's gonna be. I do have to get a job but hopefully I can get out of the food/drink business and I'll be content. I just really hate smelling like what I sell. Why do I need a job? Because I'm 18 and have horrible spending habits. It's almost time for a new phone and I have decided that I want a camera flip phone which will undoubtedly cost me quite the pretty penny.

So it's been 8 months of univ and I am in the worst shape of my life. This summer is gonna be a lot of rollerblading, basketball, badminton, and pilates. All a part of operation revolution. It seems I lost my rollerblades when I moved... or they're somewhere amidst the other forgotten items in my basement; they weren't that nice so I will take this as an opportunity to buy new ones. (See what I mean about spending habits?)

Mission: Ab Attack
I think the name is pretty self-explanatory; this is the first mission of operation revolution and it begins mon.
one set entails: 60 crunches, 20 side crunches per side, 20 leg lifts, 20 burnouts
3 sets a day, 3 days a week (mon, wed, sat)

Finals are fast approaching, I've been reading over my chem notes since sunday but I can honestly say I do not feel any smarter. I'm so sick of chem now, as soon as I feel like I understand a concept I try to do a question and all my confidence is inevitably shattered. Must focus on bio tomorrow, turns out I haven't taken any notes since the second midterm... that leaves me about 200 slides behind. The currently neglected subjects: stat and eng.. no real studying to do for eng but I do plan on reading some old pieces just to get my mind running; all I really have to do for stat is read over the notes, no practice final from my prof which is pretty stupid.

These upcoming couple weeks can be really stressful on a lot of students. I end up ignoring anyone who does not go to univ. Sometimes I get really bummed out about how much I have to do in the short amount of time I have. To make things worse, everyone else is basically in the same position. You'd think that would mean more people to relate to but everyone ends up being really high speed at everything they do and no one really wants to slow down to talk to anyone. Final week(s) end up being a time when I feel like I don't really have any friends, everyone either becomes a study buddy or, worse, just disappears off the face of the planet. Maybe it's better this way, less distractions. Every once in a while though, I remember something a friend did or said and it saves me; I just sit there smiling like a total retard thinkin of the time. Then I realize, you're gonna fail if you don't get back to studyin and that wipes the smile off my face but the point is that retarded moment is great and I thank anyone who has ever given me one of them.

Ahoy hoy. What a beautiful day, sure the only exposure to the great outdoors I've had today was when I was walking to the bus stop but still. Today is a pretty good day despite nothing out of the ordinary occuring, it probably has somethin to do with the fact that I actually got some studyin done as opposed to the weekend which I basically pissed away by watching bad tv and eating lots...

Today also marks the beginning of operation revolution. Back fat was a major failure; what makes revolution different? So far, nothing. I just think the name is more motivational rather than ridiculing. Operation revolution's major objective is to get myself into good shape for the tournament. Also, it can apply to non-physical aspects. This summer is going to be four months for me and I intend to use it to its fullest. I do have to waste quite a bit of it working but that's so I can support my brandwhore-ish spending habits. Revolution should entitle things such as getting out to a park, barbecues, rollerblading and all that fun summer related stuff. I really can't wait till school's over.... in the mean time, I should get back to studying. Better days.

April is upon us. In less than twenty days, I will be nearly stress free. I'm not sure if anyone's noticed, but I think my blogs are getting shorter and shorter and this has been happening because I feel like I've said everything I need to say. So let's just take a look at what's goin on this month.

7th: last day of classes
14th-21st: my exams... not exactly sure on the official univ exam days

The important thing is apr 21, 11ish. At this time, you may now approach me with confidence that I am more likely to actually be listening to you talk.

The beginning of the end is approaching us. This is the week of lab finals; needless to say, I can't wait till it's all over.

Damn it. Went out last night and it seems the dirty atmosphere has made my ugly rash worse. I'm still unsure how I got it in the first place but it was healing before last night... stupid bars....

Lent is goin pretty good, it's much easier now than the first week. I guess you grow accustomed to the absence. At least I know I have some self control unlike when I've been drinking... damn alchy! Why do I need you so?

So I've decided to take only 4 courses a term next yr, I'm just not cut out for 5. Making your schedule sure is a pain in the butt.

Today is the first day of spring. I will be inside doing my homework... the things we do for marks.

Yesterday was alright but largely a waste of time. Two movies in one day... what is that accomplishing? So the first movie I saw was Taking Lives with Ethan Hawke who basically makes the movie worth watching but the plot was nothing spectacular. Then later on, I saw Eurotrip which Kristin Kreuk looks super hot in but if that's the only reason you want to see the movie, probably not worth it since she's only in the first 15 minutes or so of the flick. Then it goes on to following around four kids going through Europe, none of which are that hot so I was quite disappointed.

I guess there's nothing else to say 'cept better days!

Spring is nearly upon us and that can mean one of two things:
1) Spring is symbolically a time of new beginnings so if you haven't been doing well lately, take this time to shift gears.
2) Finals are coming up which is typically a time of breakdowns and extreme levels of stress. Try not to let this negate the beginning of spring. Hopefully we'll be getting nicer weather than of late since people are generally happier when the sun is out.

Wow, this is a pretty positive post.... what has gotten into me? I wonder how long this will last... probably until finals start. At any rate, remember to root for the oilers. Peace and love.

Then I see you standing there
Wanting more from me
And all I can do is try

- Nelly Furtado

Time to start training for the tourney. This is the year of redemption.

Hello all, one more thing. Ging Wu is in serious need of competent people to volunteer for our tournament May 1st. I know a few of you who read my blog are martial artists, and the worst thing is to have incompetent volunteers "forgetting" to give you points in sparring or making you spar for shorter/longer time periods than you are supposed to. So reunite! You cannot volunteer if you will be competing but if you have friends or family that will be there to watch you anyway, inform them that there are perks to volunteering. If I'm not mistaken, volunteers do not pay the admission fee, will receive a free tournament t-shirt as well as free lunch. Note that volunteers must be over 16 yrs old and able to stay a minimum of 4 hours to receive the t-shirt and lunch. The responsibilities are not so overwhelming; they will most likely be able to watch you when you compete. The time commitment is minimal, a short half hour meeting at 7:30 pm on Apr 29 and volunteers must report to the volunteer's table on the day of the tournament sometime between 8-9:15 am. If you know anyone who is interested, please ask me for a volunteer sign-up form. I will be forever indebted to anyone who volunteers. Rest assured that you will not be overworked.

So it's the day after my kung fu belt test.... I don't think it went very well but it was a good learning experience nonetheless. Although I must say, I bruise like a peach; there are several on my arms as well as a giant one on my right knee. Kind of lookin forward to tomorrow even though that means gettin up at 6 for a morning lab; kung fu should be good, I'm hoping my sifu will let me test some of the newer people so I can get some experience in that field. Nothin else really goin on right now.... just tryin to gear up for finals. Better days.

You do the crime, your nuts are mine. - Starsky

Ok, a couple of "housekeeping" items as my eng prof would say.

I am giving up pop and fruitopia for lent starting last tues. I'm not particularly religious, just doing this to try to better myself. Although I don't really understand the implications of lent, a friend gave me the general idea that you are supposed to give up somethin you've grown quite accustomed to in order to see that you can live without it. I encourage everyone who reads this blog... so probably 3 people.... to give something up, but don't choose somethin that you don't really use that often and, on the other hand, not somethin that you think you'd be miserable without. For instance; I would not give up cigarettes cause I dont smoke and not tv cause I just don't have the will power.

For those of you who are unaware, today is international women's day so be sure to show your appreciation by planting a firm slap on the buttocks. "Those feminist chicks" especially enjoy this.

One more thing, I stained my fingers in chem lab today so be aware that is why my hands look dirtier than usual.

Have you ever cared about someone so much that it feels like you can't breathe when they're not around? You walk around aimlessly all day barely able to present yourself as a normal human being, struggling to construct intelligible sentences and all you can think about is the next time you're going to see said person? You don't know when it happened but it's gotten to the point where you feel like you literally cannot survive without them in your life? The room spins when they walk in and you cannot for the life of you stop the incessant trembling when they talk to you? Your heart beats so fast when they are around that you feel as if it's going to explode and splatter your miserable insides all over the place?

Ya, me neither.

So lately I've been feeling really lost. Ever since junior high, my mom has been pushing the idea of bein an optometrist on me and I gotta say the money's not bad. But when you've focused on the same goal for so long you lose sight of other options. I do recall a short period in gr 12 when I asked myself what I really wanted to do and I drew a complete blank so I shrugged and continued down the optometry route by gettin myself into science. I'm not sure exactly what's changed but I'm no longer content with this. It seems trying to please others is all in vain. Perhaps I'm only realizing this now and subsequently thinking I need to think about what I want. Back to square one.

Words to live by: There's nothing wrong with you that changing yourself completely won't fix.

I'm so utterly frustrated with so much in my life that it's killing me. I obviously haven't been going at things the right way cause I always end up in the same situations, constantly bitching about the same things. So here's what I have to do, instead of trying to talk to my parents, I'm just gonna minimize my contact with them as much as possible. No good can come of trying to reason with them. My dad is just far too overprotective which I know means he loves me but I feel as if I'm at a point in my life where, for the most part, I can make my own decisions so I will try to treat him with respect but in terms of letting him control me, that's definitely over since I feel as if I'm not gettin anythin out of listening to his lame rules. My mom on the other hand is on this kick of tryin to be the perfect parent, well I'd have to say she's failing miserably. Without a doubt going through menopause, she just picks on the most miniscule details to blow out of proportion; the smallest things she does for me she expects fuckin mother of the year awards for. I'm not gonna grovel at your feet for driving me to the bus stop which is on your way to work, deal with it. It's all about indifference. Better days.

I dont think I've ever hated anythin more than univ. I mean, sure, it gives me that smug feeling of superiority until I realize I'm not doin so hot. I came in with such fear and enthusiasm, I honestly thought that it would be the beginning of the rest of my life. Well, life definitely sucks right now. Let's recap first term: Bio 107: C+; Chem 101: B-; Chem 161: C+; Math 113: B and let's not forget full year Eng 101 which I really suck at but retaking it won't make me write any better so I'm trudging along at the moment hoping to pick up my mark. So that brings us to an average somewhere between a C+ and B-; for quite a while, I kept thinkin if I had just went to Math classes and hadn't gotten so cocky and lazy I could have easily gotten a B+ and my average would have been B-. But last night, it dawned on me, that if I had just dropped Chem 161 my average would have been at least B- most likely higher due to more free time for the other subjects.

Now you'd think that I'd have learned my lesson by now but history has repeated itself and I got 15% under average on my Chem 163 midterm, as most of you know from my incessant grumbling, last term I got 20% under average on the first Chem 161 midterm and all term I had to pull this mark up only to get a measly C+. Well, I don't want another C+ so I dropped 163 today. I hope it was the right thing to do. I did say I was gonna do better this term and hopefully that will happen now that I've postponed gettin that elusive second term of organic out of the way.

Back to the present, I've gotten a couple other marks back. I think I mentioned before that I beat the Bio average by a bit; today I got my stat exam back and I'm pretty happy with the mark. I'm tired of feeling like I could've done so much better.

Leave me the FUCK alone. I am so ridiculously sick of my mother.

So it's been a while since I've had a feeling sorry for myself kind of blog, well here it is. I'm really questioning why it is I'm doing what I'm doing. When I think about what I truly wanna do with my life, I draw a complete blank so I'm on this path that my mom wants me to be on. It's just definitely not the right one for me; it's one thing to utterly despise what you do but it's another when you're not even remotely good at it.

Hello all. Just takin a short break from cramming for my exam tomorrow. I actually feel pretty confident that I'll do well but I'm sure others also will.... this is where the curve sucks. Damn keeners probably studied the entire reading week.... me, I had 3 good solid productive days outta 9.
Side note: rum is the best bar I've ever been to.... sure, I've really only been to like 3 bars but still.
Anyhoo, that's all for now. I gotta get back to the books.

operation back fat: day 1

I am so grateful that I did not throw up yest... I was really pushin my body by drinkin way too fast. I was feeling super dizzy and just generally disoriented but I'd like to consider myself a pretty good drinker to the point where if I encounter a parent, I can force myself to walk in a straight line and speak in intelligible sentences. So when my mom came out of her room yest at 1230ish when I came home, I was able to walk up the stairs without falling or tripping of any kind. We even had a small conversation... about what I'm uncertain... I think she asked me if the stove was off and somethin else stupid before that like "you're home?" Feeling that lousy can really make you appreciate the smaller things in life, for instance, your fine motor skills and eye-hand coordination. On a positive note, my dad seemed to be happy that I got home relatively early. I wish I could say that I had a lot of fun last night to shut olia up but I gotta say, I didn't feel so great. My fault, live and learn.

So I was watchin law and order: svu and the description that the asian psychiatrist gave for this mother totally reflected my mom.... creepy... what he said was that in her world, anyone who opposes her views or questions what she deems to be right, she considers her enemy. Also, she has a borderline personality disorder which makes her so paranoid that she has to exude complete control over her sons and the love that she has for them is a narcissistic, twisted kind.

Hmm.. better days.

Wow, today I put a huge dent in my bank account. Bought a bed (queen size!!!) sweet... no more sleepin on my dinky twin mattress. Life is all about sacrifices. Better days

Evening ladies and gents, I really don't have much to say.... Reading week is almost upon me so life is pretty good right now. I do have a midterm on the tues afterwards but I'm not too bitter about it since I will get a chance to actually study instead of crazy cramming. Anyhoo, I should probably get started on my stat homework due tomorrow. Better days.

I hate it when my mom opens my mail.

Bio 108 midterm 1: average = 34.7/46
my mark = 37/46
pretty decent considering I didn't start studyin for the mon exam until about 3pm sunday

I will never cease to be amazed. Just when I think I've got someone figured out, they just have to do something to take me by surprise. (cliched yes, invalid no)
Whether they're aware I know what they've done or not, it seems I've been mistaken about quite a few individuals. Some turn out to be better than I give them credit for but others tend to be less reliable than I previously believed. I just don't know what to make of it anymore.

On a side note: wushu and magic sound similar in canto... I'm so white-washed.

I must admit, for a quite a while, I was generally happy for whatever reason I'm not sure of. I'm also unaware of what's changed but all things must come to an end since I'm currently feeling pretty miserable. More on this if I figure out why it is I'm feeling the way I am. Better days.

Hmm... what's happening this month?

2nd: bio midterm 1
4th: bio lab quiz 1
10th: stat lab 2 due
11th: stat midterm 1, bio lab report 1 due
12th: organic midterm 1, eng short piece due
13th: stat assignment 2 due
14th-22nd: reading week
24th: chem 102 midterm
29th: nothing really happening here just that 2004 is a leap year

... reading week will save me....

11am Apr 21st

Went to the mall for just an hour today; lookin for a new perfume... nothin smelled so great that I just had to have it so if anyone has any suggestions, that's what the tagboard's for. This weekend's gonna suck since I must devote it to studying for my first midterm this semester. Remember, I have to do better this term...

when you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
when you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears

- evanescence "my immortal"

First midterm in a week, then it never ends....

I would have given you all of my heart
But there's someone who's torn it apart

- Sheryl Crow "The First Cut Is The Deepest"

Chinese Element: Wood

Like the rings of a tree circle out and expand through the years, so too do those born under the Chinese Astrology Element of Wood. You Wood personalities seek chances for growth and for renewal in all you do, 'branching out' (excuse the pun!) whenever possible. Your open, expansive mind makes you a compassionate and generous friend, colleague and ally. You understand the inherent value of what you and those around you possess, and your confidence allows you to act upon your beliefs.

While your strength forms the backbone of any social group or partnership you're a part of, you could have a tendency to be a bit too systematic in your thinking, and sometimes your passivity allows others to overwhelm and inhibit you. Don't let yourself be lost in a vast forest, an anonymous tree among millions of others. Make your mark on the world -- you're especially adept at business ventures.

So I skipped yet another organic help session but I sort of have an excuse this time.... whereas last week, I just didnt feel like takin the train back to univ from edm centre then eventually have to go back to edm centre. Anyhoo, my excuse is it's chinese new year's eve; if that's not good enough, I also had to stay up till 12 last night finishin a bio assignment then woke up at 6 this morning cause I had an 8am lab. Leave me alone, I have a headache and I smell like organic chem *shudders*

Tomorrow, I'm goin to lion dance at the palace casino. How am I going to kill an hour (5-6pm)? Not enough time to go home, maybe I should do sch work.... bleh. We'll see how that goes.... Until next time, stay alert stay safe.

Welps, I have a spare right now and instead of doin somethin productive with it, I've decided to sit around and sulk at the fact that I have to take yet another term of organic chem. My first 163 lab is tomorrow and even if I didn't tell you this, I think you'd pick up on my utter lack of will to live. I completely wasted this past weekend and am now falling behind... it's a terrible feeling but still, I sulk.

On a lighter note, this sat is the chinatown lion dance parade.... now I'm still not sure about my level of involvement with this since sifu charlie had mentioned that he wanted me to go to the agricom demo. I guess it doesn't really matter either way. Even before that, this thurs is chinese new year and I will be using my legal age for good instead of evil since the club wants me to be a part of the lion dance for palace casino. That's about all for now. Toodles.

Yest was great. Sure, it could've been better but I'm not complaining. I didn't screw up on the demo, I actually got student of the year so that was pretty cool. On top of that, I got some sweet presents. Thanks everyone. Went to manhattan which was lame as suspected so then we managed to convince everyone to go to rum but by the time we got there, the line wasn't moving at all. Eventually, we went to the casino which whomped cause it was just filled with old ppl. I still think if we had just went to rum in the first place, we would've gotten in and everythin would've been super. But I'm happy with the decision I made cause I chose who over where and I can't say I regretted anythin. Best birthday ever.

Tomorrow's gonna be quite the hassle. I know it's gonna be my birthday so I should be happy but what's pissing me off is I have a decision to make and I'm no good at those. Gotta be at ging wu at 230, leave for mirama at 430, somehow get ada to do my hair, demo and dinner till 10ish. Here's where the problem comes in, we're goin to manhattan club which was fine yest because I wasn't gonna invite anyone. I was perfectly fine with it bein ada's friends and ging wu ppl but today, I started thinkin I wanted some of my other friends to come and I called around and no one wants to go to manhattan. This is pretty stupid. On one hand I'm kinda thinkin "it's my birthday, you're not comin for the bar you should be comin for me." But if I'm really honest with myself, I don't wanna go to manhattan either. I really don't wanna pay for that long cab ride home, if I go to rum then one of my friends will prolly drive me home since it's pretty close. I don't know what to do, maybe I'm blowin this thing outta proportion.

Linda thinks Olga is pretty, pass it on.

Bah, I've sorta been thinkin bout the finances and the earliest I'll be able to buy a car is end of aug. This whomps.

Hmm, it seems that it is one week from my bday. Ging wu chinese new year banquet is badly timed in my opinion but it shouldn't be too bad. The only thing is there are ppl that I do wanna spend my bday with and yet don't feel comfortable with them bein at my demo. What I really wanna do is just take everyone out for dinner but I am currently budgeting towards gettin a car so that's a bummer.

Welps, I'm currently in stat lab and already regretting coming.... My stat class was cancelled today so I could've just went to biol and went home at 12 but no, I decided to stay for the two hour spare and here I am with nothing to show for it. Damn stat lab... if it wasn't the first of the term, I definitely wouldn't have come. It's doubtful I'll be coming to any more of these, I'll most likely just do my lab assignments during spares.... Now I'm sure you're all glued to your seat reading this pathetic excuse for a blog but you know what, I'm bored and typing is actually filling the time so nuts to you! The ta has arrived but it seems she is unable to figure out how to get her comp to show up on the overhead. I'm sorely disappointed.

See I don't know why I liked you so much
I gave you all of my trust
I told you I loved you
Now that's all down the drain
Ya put me through pain
I wanna let you know what I feel

Fuck what I said, it don't mean shit now
Fuck the presents, might as well throw 'em out
Fuck all those kisses, they didn't mean jack
Fuck you, you hoe, I don't want you back

- Eamon "I don't want you back"

Schoolwork is starting to pile up....

I'm an idiot.

Evening ladies and gents, today was super cold. The walk from my house to the bus stop ranges from 5-10 min and somehow, in that time frame, I managed to lose my timetable which was in my back pocket.... good thing I glanced at where my classes were last night. Only had two classes today, both profs seem alright. I really don't want to walk in the snow again... maybe I'll go to sch an hour and a half early.... see, that way I get a ride for part of the trip; still thinkin bout it, the downside is I lose an hour of sleep.

Went to kung fu tonight, I am seriously out of shape. Gotta start the stance training up again. Although, I did let out some frustration just by training.... Somehow it's my fault that some forms for some scholarship my mom put me in got lost.

Remember oregon trail? or cross country canada? Those were back in the days of carefree elem... it seems that's all we used to do... now I'm workin with "suspect cancer causing agents." I miss elem.

It's the honest ones you want to watch out for, because you can never predict when they're going to do something incredibly... stupid. - Pirates of the Caribbean

No fear. No distractions. The ability to let that which does not matter truly slide. - Fight Club

I actually have a couple other resolutions... but I try not to make ones I don't think I can keep... these are kinda borderline. But I guess I'll list them for the sake of trying to make them concrete: get better marks in sch and get into as few fights with the parents as possible.

My new year's resolution: get rid of this belly I've been forming since sept. I'm not workin for washboard abs, just my old flat stomache will do. I miss it....

Some upcoming dates this month:
15th - my mom and chris' birthday
17th - ada's and my birthday/ging wu banquet
22nd - chinese new year
25th - chinatown lion dance parade

Since I am a banana (yellow on the outside, white on the inside), some of these chinese related dates may be wrong. If you know for sure that one is, pls tag my board letting me know and I'll change it asap.

Also, best wishes to you and yours in this new year. I hope that, in twelve months, 2004 ends with as few regrets as possible.