this choice I made keeps playing in my head over and over again
- nelly ft. tim mgcraw

Well, it's gotten to that point in the term where I get all frustrated and start to lose interest as well as motivation. Funny how it always coincides with midterms....

Just wanna quickly say that I hate the curve. My psych mark would be .3 higher if I had gotten one more question right and if I had gotten one more question wrong, it'd still be at the same mark. Frixis. I'm so lucky my bioch is not on a curve otherwise my mark would be .3 lower so maybe the universe has a way of balancing out.... but I'm still pissed.

So to elaborate on my last post, I am now allowed to know the thing I know... which is that this girl I used to be friends with in high sch is pregnant, drama much? I first heard it from someone who was told specifically not to tell me but on my way to study on sat, I ran into this guy from my old high sch on the bus and he started the convo with "Hey! Did you know your ex is gonna be a father but is in denial about it?" to which I replied "Yes, I do know but I'm not supposed to." Basically now that I'm allowed to know and have gotten over the initial shock, I'm not gonna do anything about it. She's really not someone I wanna talk to again so I'm just gonna leave this whole soap opera mess alone. It seems she's still into her old patterns.. not learning from mistakes and making stupid decisions after the fact. Even if I wanted to help her and talk to her, I doubt she'd listen.... exactly why we're not friends anymore.

I really hate it when I know something I'm not supposed to.

live strong

i'd hear heaven - hedley

so close your eyes there's no suprise you'll realize they hear you
just hide your fear come closer dear it's hard when no one loves you
i'm on the soul of every role of every place your taking
until i'm done just stay for fun tomorrow's breaking even

too late never say tomorrow is another day
one love i'm one away i never thought that i'd hear heaven say
inside i know the way she fell like fire i forgot to play
one love i'm one away i never thought that i'd hear heaven say

we've lost our chance our one last dance them circumstances fail us
we'd wait too long they found our song it seems like time's against us
maybe it's me i'm overboard and singing for no reason
but life is light love like a fight today we're breaking even

too late never say tomorrow is another day
one love i'm one away i never thought that i'd hear heaven say
inside i know the way she fell like fire i forgot to play
one love i'm one away i never thought that i'd hear heaven say

everyone here thinks i'm crazy
seems like most of us love lazy
waiting round here is amazing
everyone runs like its hazy

too late never say tomorrow is another day
one love i'm one away i never thought that i'd hear heaven say
inside i know the way she fell like fire i forgot to play
one love i'm one away i never thought that i'd hear heaven say

true love never say tomorrow is another day
one love i'm one away i never thought that i'd hear heaven say
inside i know the way she fell like fire i forgot to play
one love i'm one away i never thought that i'd hear heaven say

[kung fu post. do not read if not interested.]

Ever since I was in junior high, kung fu has been my hobby. I picked it because it was something that no other person at sch was doing, it was sort of a typical asian thing to do and let's not forget that song "everybody loves kung fu fighting." At the time, I lived about 5 blocks away from chiu lau kung fu and it seemed like the answer... after about two yrs and a sudden realization that all he did was take our money, I quit. I went half a yr without kung fu and was inevitably drawn back when my brother came up with the idea to join ging wu... almost 4 yrs later, I've got mixed feelings about it.

On the one hand, I really love how involved in the community ging wu is. All the tournaments and demos have been great experiences but I'm sort of at a crossroads since I'm not technically advanced or intermediate... somewhere in the middle... I basically feel like they consider me advanced and expect me to help out with teaching when it's convenient for them. Another thing that has always given ging wu a bad rap is that quite a few of the advanced ppl are extremely cocky. Now behind this cockiness is an obvious (at least to me) fear, I've noticed that these same cocky individuals will not try new moves in front of everyone else because obviously when trying something new, there's a huge probability that you'll look like an idiot. This is a major reason for why these ppl end up focusing all their energy on one thing they're good at and neglecting other things.

I've gotten a bit caught up in this behaviour but no more. I'm sure the advanced ppl talk shit about me behind my back anyway so why not make a fool out of myself if it might make me better in the long run? I just need to take a step back from wanting so desparately to make sijea and let the hoggers hog the class, I don't need to teach. I definitely don't want to become a hogger. Who knows? Maybe becoming sijea is in my future, but if not that's ok too.

So I've been on a bit of a roll in terms of blogging and thought I'd keep it up. I now totally understand why some of my high sch friends (mainly the ones who don't go to the u) were so mad at me when I totally ignored them last yr during sch. In my defence, first yr was very scary. But that's neither here nor there... the point is it's not that said friend can't make time for you, they choose not to. Maybe in the grand scheme of things, having your teenage friends like you is not a big deal. I know a lot of ppl who don't think they'll remain friends after sch. I guess those ppl would opt to pick sch over friends. Remember that episode of the o.c. where oscar was tryin to steal marissa away from ryan and oscar said "don't mess up your life for some girl you're not gonna care about in 5 yrs"? Well, I guess that summarizes what might be the reasoning for why some ppl just disappear when sch is in. In conclusion, if someone ever tells you how sad they are that they don't get to see some of their friends every day even though this person knows full well exactly where those ppl are and chooses not to walk the extra 5 min to the next building (say from cab to hub) to see them... I don't know... smack them or somethin.... and smack me if I'm bein a hypocrite which is entirely possible in this case.

I've been ignoring my blog lately. I guess it's partly because life is pretty boring as per usual but mainly, I just don't really know how to express what I'm feeling. If you've ever seen the episode of undergrads where nitz has an identity crisis, then that's pretty close. For the most part, I like bein single but recently I've been goin through a period of really wishin I had someone. I'll get over it soon but till then, bleh. (It's a cycle, yay I'm single...... boo I'm single.. yay...... boo.. you get the point.) A major part of how I'm doin lately is the whole friends thing. Part of me really wishes I had more friends but I like the ones I have and I'm supremely bummed out that this yr, I haven't seen the same ppl I used to see every day last yr. Might be a factor in why this sch yr sucks.

Hey kiddies. Just a quick recap of what's been goin on, nothin terribly interesting though. No more work but sch this yr sucks more than last... not entirely sure why.

I don't have to work tomorrow so that means I can go to sleep later.

Chris has sort of pushed me to explain more of my last monday blog mainly for clarity sake for myself. Besides the obvious that some of the ppl I feel the least comfortable around are the ones I've known for the least amount of time, I've also semi discovered that I am very concerned about what impressions I leave. That is a huge part of this problem since I tried so hard to leave a good first impression that it's created a snowball effect where every time I see these ppl, I want to give them the person they first met or if I felt like I left a bad first, then I try to make up for it.
Another huge factor is I meet a lot of ppl through existing friends and however that friend views me is imparted on the new person. I just kinda fit into whatever description that friend gave to make things easier.
I'm gonna try to make the atmosphere around me more lax, gonna be more myself and let whoever decide for themselves.

So there you go ladies and gents, the three of you who read my blog had all made a comment about it and questioned what exactly I was tryin to say and I hope that clears it up a bit.

Quit my job. Last day is friday.

Lately I've been thinkin bout the ppl I know. I feel like I have a lot of acquaintances but very few friends. Then among the small group of ppl I consider my friends, there are the ones I feel fairly comfortable around and there are ones that I think I try too hard to impress. These are the ppl I feel I need to be entertaining and funny around. I'm gettin sick of puttin on this show.

Not too much to talk about.... my dad's leavin town tomorrow for 3 weeks. I sure am gonna miss him but his car will help ease the pain. Still flip flopping between whether or not to quit roots.

Locked my keys in the trunk monday, my dad had to come downtown and was not impressed. Not allowed to drive for an unspecified period of time. This whomps.

Hello. As we students all know, there is about a month of summer left...

I took in kdays on sat and was only there for about an hour and a half. Every yr, I get a little more bored a little faster... maybe I'm just too old for kdays. I am disappointed I didn't get to see the cirque show everyone told me about.

[martial arts stuff]
Yest my kung fu club had 3 demos at heritage days. The first two were at hong kong pavilion and I screwed up my hand form in the second show :( However, this yr no screwups with my weapon... aside from cutting myself but no one noticed. Still disappointed in the crowd at heritage which always seems to lack enthusiasm which I think is largely due to a lack of understanding with how much training goes into it.

Last show was china which was good since that pavilion was right next to borneo. I got to watch Kev and Noel lion dance in a demo setting for the first time and was totally impressed. Although the performance wasn't perfect I still really enjoyed the things that were attempted. I still think there is way too much poilitics involved... somehow a "rivalry" started between bcaa and ging wu. I clapped for bcaa even though some of my fellow ging wu members told me not to. I also noticed that some bcaa ppl started watchin our demo and I did not see them clap.

I can swallow my pride and say that I find bcaa's lion dance to be at a higher difficulty level than ours with the pedestals in their demo. But different ppl and even groups in this case have diff strengths and weaknesses based on where we place emphasis. In my defence, I'd have to say that ging wu has hand forms, weapon forms, as well as sparring to focus on besides lion dance. It was news to me that bcaa had recently started honing in on hand and weapon forms. By watching our demos, I think anyone would notice that bcaa's lion dance portion is the main event whereas ours is more the hand and weapon forms. Another thing I just want to point out is our styles of lion dancing are totally diff. I found bcaa's style to be more about endurance and showmanship whereas I would describe our lion dance to be shorter since the emphasis is placed more on power and sharp movements. I just hope that next yr and in yrs after that both groups clap as a show of support for the other.

Please note that none of this blog was meant to put anyone down, just my comparison and thoughts which is what a blog is all about. If something offends anyone, pls let me know since I'm sure it's just bad wording.
[end martial arts stuff]

Evenin all. Nothin too much to say... 'cept I got a new phone which is sorta cool. Work is lame and I'm tryin to decide if I wanna quit soon.

This blog is perhaps too sappy to post but I haven't blogged in a while so I'm just gonna put it out there. Enjoy!
 
So it's been almost two years since I've had a boyfriend and part of me is kinda bummed out but I'm mainly ok with it, surprisingly. I feel like I'm at a stage in my life where I don't know who I am or who I want to be. I do know I want to be better but other than that it's pretty open right now and I'm not sure I could really figure it out with someone. Maybe I'm kidding myself and I'm really miserable deep down but I don't feel that way. For the most part, I'm happy and really lookin forward to just being even happier.
 
p.s. There's nothing wrong with you that changing yourself completely won't fix. I know I've mentioned this before but I really thought it tied in with what a couple of my friends as well as myself are trying to accomplish in changing and bettering ourselves. Special good luck to Ranald since I think he's trying to do what I'm trying to except I don't have the guts to go places alone.

Since inventory on sunday was cancelled, I have to work till 11:30pm. I seriously doubt we'll be done by that time but whatevs, that's when I'm gonna leave. Also, I forgive my manager for not calling; she told me that she had taken the employee phone list with her but upon arriving home, her basement was flooded and the power was out. Better days!