operation back fat: day 1

I am so grateful that I did not throw up yest... I was really pushin my body by drinkin way too fast. I was feeling super dizzy and just generally disoriented but I'd like to consider myself a pretty good drinker to the point where if I encounter a parent, I can force myself to walk in a straight line and speak in intelligible sentences. So when my mom came out of her room yest at 1230ish when I came home, I was able to walk up the stairs without falling or tripping of any kind. We even had a small conversation... about what I'm uncertain... I think she asked me if the stove was off and somethin else stupid before that like "you're home?" Feeling that lousy can really make you appreciate the smaller things in life, for instance, your fine motor skills and eye-hand coordination. On a positive note, my dad seemed to be happy that I got home relatively early. I wish I could say that I had a lot of fun last night to shut olia up but I gotta say, I didn't feel so great. My fault, live and learn.

So I was watchin law and order: svu and the description that the asian psychiatrist gave for this mother totally reflected my mom.... creepy... what he said was that in her world, anyone who opposes her views or questions what she deems to be right, she considers her enemy. Also, she has a borderline personality disorder which makes her so paranoid that she has to exude complete control over her sons and the love that she has for them is a narcissistic, twisted kind.

Hmm.. better days.

Wow, today I put a huge dent in my bank account. Bought a bed (queen size!!!) sweet... no more sleepin on my dinky twin mattress. Life is all about sacrifices. Better days

Evening ladies and gents, I really don't have much to say.... Reading week is almost upon me so life is pretty good right now. I do have a midterm on the tues afterwards but I'm not too bitter about it since I will get a chance to actually study instead of crazy cramming. Anyhoo, I should probably get started on my stat homework due tomorrow. Better days.

I hate it when my mom opens my mail.

Bio 108 midterm 1: average = 34.7/46
my mark = 37/46
pretty decent considering I didn't start studyin for the mon exam until about 3pm sunday

I will never cease to be amazed. Just when I think I've got someone figured out, they just have to do something to take me by surprise. (cliched yes, invalid no)
Whether they're aware I know what they've done or not, it seems I've been mistaken about quite a few individuals. Some turn out to be better than I give them credit for but others tend to be less reliable than I previously believed. I just don't know what to make of it anymore.

On a side note: wushu and magic sound similar in canto... I'm so white-washed.

I must admit, for a quite a while, I was generally happy for whatever reason I'm not sure of. I'm also unaware of what's changed but all things must come to an end since I'm currently feeling pretty miserable. More on this if I figure out why it is I'm feeling the way I am. Better days.

Hmm... what's happening this month?

2nd: bio midterm 1
4th: bio lab quiz 1
10th: stat lab 2 due
11th: stat midterm 1, bio lab report 1 due
12th: organic midterm 1, eng short piece due
13th: stat assignment 2 due
14th-22nd: reading week
24th: chem 102 midterm
29th: nothing really happening here just that 2004 is a leap year

... reading week will save me....

11am Apr 21st

Went to the mall for just an hour today; lookin for a new perfume... nothin smelled so great that I just had to have it so if anyone has any suggestions, that's what the tagboard's for. This weekend's gonna suck since I must devote it to studying for my first midterm this semester. Remember, I have to do better this term...

when you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
when you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears

- evanescence "my immortal"

First midterm in a week, then it never ends....

I would have given you all of my heart
But there's someone who's torn it apart

- Sheryl Crow "The First Cut Is The Deepest"

Chinese Element: Wood

Like the rings of a tree circle out and expand through the years, so too do those born under the Chinese Astrology Element of Wood. You Wood personalities seek chances for growth and for renewal in all you do, 'branching out' (excuse the pun!) whenever possible. Your open, expansive mind makes you a compassionate and generous friend, colleague and ally. You understand the inherent value of what you and those around you possess, and your confidence allows you to act upon your beliefs.

While your strength forms the backbone of any social group or partnership you're a part of, you could have a tendency to be a bit too systematic in your thinking, and sometimes your passivity allows others to overwhelm and inhibit you. Don't let yourself be lost in a vast forest, an anonymous tree among millions of others. Make your mark on the world -- you're especially adept at business ventures.

So I skipped yet another organic help session but I sort of have an excuse this time.... whereas last week, I just didnt feel like takin the train back to univ from edm centre then eventually have to go back to edm centre. Anyhoo, my excuse is it's chinese new year's eve; if that's not good enough, I also had to stay up till 12 last night finishin a bio assignment then woke up at 6 this morning cause I had an 8am lab. Leave me alone, I have a headache and I smell like organic chem *shudders*

Tomorrow, I'm goin to lion dance at the palace casino. How am I going to kill an hour (5-6pm)? Not enough time to go home, maybe I should do sch work.... bleh. We'll see how that goes.... Until next time, stay alert stay safe.

Welps, I have a spare right now and instead of doin somethin productive with it, I've decided to sit around and sulk at the fact that I have to take yet another term of organic chem. My first 163 lab is tomorrow and even if I didn't tell you this, I think you'd pick up on my utter lack of will to live. I completely wasted this past weekend and am now falling behind... it's a terrible feeling but still, I sulk.

On a lighter note, this sat is the chinatown lion dance parade.... now I'm still not sure about my level of involvement with this since sifu charlie had mentioned that he wanted me to go to the agricom demo. I guess it doesn't really matter either way. Even before that, this thurs is chinese new year and I will be using my legal age for good instead of evil since the club wants me to be a part of the lion dance for palace casino. That's about all for now. Toodles.

Yest was great. Sure, it could've been better but I'm not complaining. I didn't screw up on the demo, I actually got student of the year so that was pretty cool. On top of that, I got some sweet presents. Thanks everyone. Went to manhattan which was lame as suspected so then we managed to convince everyone to go to rum but by the time we got there, the line wasn't moving at all. Eventually, we went to the casino which whomped cause it was just filled with old ppl. I still think if we had just went to rum in the first place, we would've gotten in and everythin would've been super. But I'm happy with the decision I made cause I chose who over where and I can't say I regretted anythin. Best birthday ever.

Tomorrow's gonna be quite the hassle. I know it's gonna be my birthday so I should be happy but what's pissing me off is I have a decision to make and I'm no good at those. Gotta be at ging wu at 230, leave for mirama at 430, somehow get ada to do my hair, demo and dinner till 10ish. Here's where the problem comes in, we're goin to manhattan club which was fine yest because I wasn't gonna invite anyone. I was perfectly fine with it bein ada's friends and ging wu ppl but today, I started thinkin I wanted some of my other friends to come and I called around and no one wants to go to manhattan. This is pretty stupid. On one hand I'm kinda thinkin "it's my birthday, you're not comin for the bar you should be comin for me." But if I'm really honest with myself, I don't wanna go to manhattan either. I really don't wanna pay for that long cab ride home, if I go to rum then one of my friends will prolly drive me home since it's pretty close. I don't know what to do, maybe I'm blowin this thing outta proportion.

Linda thinks Olga is pretty, pass it on.

Bah, I've sorta been thinkin bout the finances and the earliest I'll be able to buy a car is end of aug. This whomps.

Hmm, it seems that it is one week from my bday. Ging wu chinese new year banquet is badly timed in my opinion but it shouldn't be too bad. The only thing is there are ppl that I do wanna spend my bday with and yet don't feel comfortable with them bein at my demo. What I really wanna do is just take everyone out for dinner but I am currently budgeting towards gettin a car so that's a bummer.

Welps, I'm currently in stat lab and already regretting coming.... My stat class was cancelled today so I could've just went to biol and went home at 12 but no, I decided to stay for the two hour spare and here I am with nothing to show for it. Damn stat lab... if it wasn't the first of the term, I definitely wouldn't have come. It's doubtful I'll be coming to any more of these, I'll most likely just do my lab assignments during spares.... Now I'm sure you're all glued to your seat reading this pathetic excuse for a blog but you know what, I'm bored and typing is actually filling the time so nuts to you! The ta has arrived but it seems she is unable to figure out how to get her comp to show up on the overhead. I'm sorely disappointed.

See I don't know why I liked you so much
I gave you all of my trust
I told you I loved you
Now that's all down the drain
Ya put me through pain
I wanna let you know what I feel

Fuck what I said, it don't mean shit now
Fuck the presents, might as well throw 'em out
Fuck all those kisses, they didn't mean jack
Fuck you, you hoe, I don't want you back

- Eamon "I don't want you back"

Schoolwork is starting to pile up....

I'm an idiot.

Evening ladies and gents, today was super cold. The walk from my house to the bus stop ranges from 5-10 min and somehow, in that time frame, I managed to lose my timetable which was in my back pocket.... good thing I glanced at where my classes were last night. Only had two classes today, both profs seem alright. I really don't want to walk in the snow again... maybe I'll go to sch an hour and a half early.... see, that way I get a ride for part of the trip; still thinkin bout it, the downside is I lose an hour of sleep.

Went to kung fu tonight, I am seriously out of shape. Gotta start the stance training up again. Although, I did let out some frustration just by training.... Somehow it's my fault that some forms for some scholarship my mom put me in got lost.

Remember oregon trail? or cross country canada? Those were back in the days of carefree elem... it seems that's all we used to do... now I'm workin with "suspect cancer causing agents." I miss elem.

It's the honest ones you want to watch out for, because you can never predict when they're going to do something incredibly... stupid. - Pirates of the Caribbean

No fear. No distractions. The ability to let that which does not matter truly slide. - Fight Club

I actually have a couple other resolutions... but I try not to make ones I don't think I can keep... these are kinda borderline. But I guess I'll list them for the sake of trying to make them concrete: get better marks in sch and get into as few fights with the parents as possible.

My new year's resolution: get rid of this belly I've been forming since sept. I'm not workin for washboard abs, just my old flat stomache will do. I miss it....

Some upcoming dates this month:
15th - my mom and chris' birthday
17th - ada's and my birthday/ging wu banquet
22nd - chinese new year
25th - chinatown lion dance parade

Since I am a banana (yellow on the outside, white on the inside), some of these chinese related dates may be wrong. If you know for sure that one is, pls tag my board letting me know and I'll change it asap.

Also, best wishes to you and yours in this new year. I hope that, in twelve months, 2004 ends with as few regrets as possible.

word of the day: minor
It's new year's eve and I have no plans.... how minor/loser-ish.

The truth is overrated. Anyone who tells you they want the truth is a goddamn liar. People only want you to say what they want to hear. In fact, telling the out right truth can get you in nasty trouble. All this "honesty is the key" is crapola. If you know the truth is gonna hurt that person, my advice to you is lie, like the bastard you are. I mean, nobody is impressed if they tell you that, for example, they love you and you tell them..... I'm not at the same place. For god's sake, just suck it up and say the freakin words. This relates back to an earlier post; you don't have to mean it. We're all liars and if you say you're not, then you're just a filthy liar. That's my schpeil for today... no reason, it just kinda popped into my mind.

Wow, my heart is black... there was a time when I valued the power of the words "I love you" but no more.... so many people throw it around now. I just do the same.

Just got up about 20 minutes ago.... if you're a guy, ignore the next sentence. Cramps are extremely hard to sleep with. Anyway, good thing I lowered my standards for the party before I got there cause it was hella boring for a good portion of the night. The funnest time I had was playing cards so that should put things into perspective for ya. The lesson of the night was: don't tell kayla anythin. Kayla, if you're reading this, YOU SUCK! Hmm... Linda got me cow slippers that I think I mentioned in passing to her so that was super thoughtful of her. Ada got me socks and stuff from the body shop which is pretty cool also. Why do I keep buyin stuff for ppl that someone else also bought 'em? Yes... that's all I have to say except I am a bit disappointed that something didn't work out like it was sposed to.... but no biggie. Better days!

Sweet! Christmas cards 50% off! I am so smrt. Also, bought the last of ada's present so I guess my trip to the mall was pretty productive. Gotta hang out with my creepy bachelor uncle tomorrow.... but hopefully mon will be cool.

Hmm, I think when I'm around too many people it makes me feel nauseous... I felt super lousy after a few hours of tryin to manouver around slow asses. I'm goin to the mall again tomorrow; maybe I do live at the mall.... but I'm only goin cause my friend who had to work today called me and asked me to go with her, prolly won't buy anythin tomorrow. Today, I got puma shoes, a puma shirt, a diesel shirt, and a couple pairs of diesel jeans. With the exception of the diesel shirt, all the other stuff was only 20-25% off. Not a great deal but better than nothin. Oh ya, my brother got me diesel shoes for christmas and he's gonna pay for one of the pairs of jeans (christmas/birthday present) so all is right in the world.

Well, I just walked to the bus stop only to find that my bus only runs every hour today. Now I'm sittin here waitin for my parents to come back and give me a ride even though my mom's car is in the garage... but then again, I prolly wouldn't enjoy tryin to find a parking space boxing day at west edm mall. And I guess I was too super tired/bitter to say it yest but MERRY CHRISTMAS

I love you. They're just words, you don't have to mean 'em.

I wanna thank everyone for this past year. It included a realization that lead to cutting out a former friend, goin through a lot of shit at work and finally realizing that it wasn't worth it, slacking through the last of my diploma exams which I came out of with a barely honours average, and going through hell (i.e. my first term of univ); it hasn't all been bad. Even though I've lost touch with a lot of my high sch friends, I'm recently realizing that maybe it's for the best since I didn't really fit with anyone. These past four months have really made me take a look at myself and I think I'm just too lazy, hopefully I can turn it around in this new year. I've met a few people who have this incredible power to make me smile or even laugh hysterically when I'm in a horrible mood and I hope I don't lose touch with these people for a good long while. All in all, I'm incredibly satisfied with the way this year has gone, it's been a great growing/learning process and I'm a better person for it. I hope you all have a great year and overcome any obstacles that come your way. But if you need a little help, just let me know what I can do. Better days.

Bad news: my break is half over but I gotta look on the bright side, christmas is tomorrow which isn't that big of a deal since the only ppl that celebrate christmas in my family are my aunts and uncles on my dad's side who all pitch in together to get me like a $20 gift (uber cheap? I think so). It's my brother's day off so we're goin to the bank to cash his check then we're goin to the mall so he can buy me my present. Tonight is christmas supper, after which I'm sure I'll be allowed to open my $20 gift (yay?). Hey, I'm not really lookin at the bright side, am I? Damn my bitterness, the food is gonna be great so I'm just gonna shut up and leave it at that. Happy holidays!

No cavities! Sweet, that means back to eatin tons of chocolate and drinkin stuff choc full of sugar. Mmmm....

Got up sorta early today (9am) to meet my friend at west edm mall at 11am. Shopped till 1ish at which point, she had to go to work and I came home with a few presents.... good thing christmas party is not till the 29th cause at this point, ada's present is still lacking....

Surprisingly, two days before christmas, the mall was not as busy as I expected. Maybe cause I went pretty early in the day. I am currently not lookin forward to my dentist appointment this evening but I am lookin forward to christmas dinner tomorrow night at grandma's house :)

Back to the beginning, what to get ada...

Sick of sorrow. I'm sick of the pain. I'm sick of hearing, again and again, that there's gonna be Peace on Earth. - U2

So, I feel like havin a "deep" blog right now. If you dont care, stop reading now. How do you know whether you made the right choice? I mean, there have been so many people I've met and the first impression they gave was lousy so I never talked to 'em again, what if that person could have been a really great person? What if I've missed out on a really great friend? Or what if I had a great friend once upon a time and through my own stupidity, I lost touch with them for whatever reason. What if I really should have given 'em another chance? Life's full of what if's but sometimes we regret things we shouldn't and overlook things we should.

I'm not gonna get bent outta shape thinkin bout ppl that have entered and exited my life. I'm very happy with the ppl that are currently in my life whether I've just met them recently, known them sometime before and am now talkin with again, or known them for years. I think I'm finally surrounded by ppl who are good for me but we'll see once I get to know 'em a bit better. Hopefully, my judgement on past "friends" were the right ones.

I guess christmas has the power of making you think about who you could be spending it with but I'm optimistic bout the ppl I'm meeting and maybe friends I'm making. That's all for now... if you're still reading, you either care or you're just bored and have nothin better to do. At any rate, thanks for listenin to my two cents.

Welps, I'm done what little christmas shopping I had to do. Got my brother an energie jacket ages ago, already gave it to him. For my mom, a tiny cat clock... she doesn't celebrate christmas so I really didn't wanna spend too much money. I'm cheap, so sue me. By the same token, I haven't gotten my dad's present; I'm plannin on gettin somethin boxing day since he won't mind plus I save some money which he's always happy bout since he gives me my money. Got ada a little somethin even though she told me not to, it's a small small gesture really. I wouldn't really even call it a present more like a stockin stuffer. And I also got linda a small present, she claims she's gonna kick my ass but I know that's code for "thank you Jo, you're the greatest there ever was." Merry Christmas! I hope everyone loves my gifts. I've been informed that there are only 4 days till christmas.... krazazy, isn't it?

Morning all, today should be semi-interesting.... goin to ikea, possibly mexx outlet, future shop or best buy, safeway or save on, maybe chinatown. Tonight, I gotta go to some chinese association dinner which could go either way. I could be miserable or it could be alright. I'll let you know later since you all care so much.

So I have all my marks back except for my eng midterm. Without eng, my average is 2.625. Right now, I have a 2.25 in eng but I'm sure the midterm will bring me way down. If I got a D on my midterm, then my eng mark becomes 1.83 and overall my mark becomes 2.44 which I can accept for this first term. But if I fail the midterm then my eng becomes 1.5 and overall becomes 2.38 which would really suck. So really, I just have to hope I didn't fail the eng midterm and I'll be fine.

I'm so bored! I can't stand this, my brain feels like it's rotting away. But I can't go to sleep now otherwise I'll wake up too early. Grr, I need someone to entertain me. But boredom is contagious and I'm spreadin it like wildfire.

So I've come to the conclusion that I say really stupid things just to fill the silence. Or maybe I'm just so anxious to have everyone like me that I end up sayin somethin stupid and therefore makin everyone think I'm super weird and not want to talk to me. Or maybe I just don't know when to stop talkin. Like right now, I'm rambling on about nothin and I don't know why. I just want to kill time. But I've always been a strong believer that if you don't have anythin good to say, just shut up. So I really shouldn't be sayin anythin at all right now since I never have anythin important or even remotely intelligent to say.

But what if I just spit out random things until one of them actually fits the situation then someone will think I'm smart and that might be worth all the stupid looks I get. That way I don't have to shut up even though I probably should. "Less is more." Is that true? I mean, it's a cliche so it's gotta have some substance otherwise why would people keep sayin it... but the word less is actually the opposite of the word more so how can less be more?

Where am I going with this? If you're still reading, you must be just as bored as I am. So go spread the boredom and have a nice life.

Well, I've helped out at my mom's optical for three days. Three very boring days... but they weren't too bad. Not goin again till monday so yay for sleeping in. So this crazy lady that my mom knew back when she wasn't crazy came in and started wiping stuff and mopping and such; she then proceeded to go into the back of the store and steal some cookies at which point my mom caught her and she finally left. Here's the catch, she's crazy cause she used to go to univ then she failed. Now there's a cautionary tale for ya; moral of the day: don't think too much, it's bad for your mind.

Chem 101: B-
Biol 107: C+
Chem 161: C+

Now, these marks are pretty crappy but for the amount of effort I put into studyin, they're better than I deserved. I still have no clue what I got in math (I'm thinkin/hopin for a B+).... or my eng midterm which I don't care too much about. I only have a C in eng.... and I'm sure the midterm will bring that down but whatever, I can always bring it up next term.... the perk to full year courses.

Well, kung fu last night was really harsh considerin I hadn't been there in a week and a half. I am seriously outta shape... I disgust me. At around 3pm today, the ass soreness kicked in... this is the price I must pay.

Bought one thing today, just a tiny cat clock for my mom. Hope she likes it... but I'm mostly doin it out of obligation. My dad's so much harder to shop for, probably end up gettin him a shirt. Although, for father's day, I bought him a white polo and he hasn't worn it once (his excuse bein he doesn't wanna get it dirty) so note to self: no white. Maybe a nice grey dress shirt... I actually don't like christmas shoppin since you have to find somethin. It's better to just get ppl gifts out of nowhere, they're more surprised and everythin.

Yes, goin to kung fu tonight.... hope it'll be fun. Tomorrow, I start helpin out my mom at her optical.... I really hate how many native customers she has... I'm so racist. Oh well. Have a beautiful day because you are a beautiful person. Hahahahha! No seriously, have a good day.

Hmm... didn't buy a single thing today. I would say that it was a waste of four hours but I'm sure I would've been much more bored sittin at home all day. So it was good to get out of the house. Umm, still pretty unsure of what I'm gettin for ppl and whether or not I should get something for some ppl.... Don't really have anythin new to say so "peace on earth and good will towards man."

Morning all. As I mentioned in my last blog, I'm startin christmas shopping today. My parents drove my brother to work and from there, I guess they're goin on a date. They took my dad's car so the civic is sittin in the garage. Told my mom that I wanna be at the mall by 2 and she was a lil worried she wouldn't make it home in time so I suggested that she just let me drive her car. Now, I've driven to or past the mall literally hundreds of times but the overprotectivity of my parents always wins over so I'm sittin here waitin for them to come back and drive me. But anythin is better than takin the bus, don't wanna get hit on by another native. *gags*

Also, friday's ging wu christmas dinner, my mom drove me and my brother then stayed at her optical to do paperwork until we finished. She wouldn't have had to do that if my parents would just let me drive alone. See, I would've taken the bus to home, dropped off my stuff and picked up my dad's car which was sittin in the garage the whole time. Could've picked up Stephen on my way but nope. Oh well, maybe it's all for the better since I really don't wanna drive this winter. I know it's not that much harder but drivers tend to do stupider stuff in the winter time. You know, those ppl that brake every five seconds for no apparent reason. (i.e. my mom)

But ya, like I've mentioned before, I'm actually starting to save up for my own car even though it'll be such a hassle to maintain it.... but if by the end of april, I'm still not allowed to drive alone, I'm gonna be uber pissed and that'll prolly urge me to buy my own car. Anyways, I'm gettin pretty hungry now so laters.

I'm trying to look forward to the holiday season but every once in a while, I get this feeling in the pit of my stomache that makes me sick. I get this when I think bout my performance on my exams. But the important thing is I've learnt something this term. I can't be lazy anymore. I know it's hard to take me seriously when I say next term will be different. But I'm adamant that it will be. I can't let myself do so horribly, I need like a 3.4 gpa and this term I'll be lucky if I get a 2.4 so that should put things into perspective.

Near the beginning, I was questioning whether I had what it takes for university and now I know that I do. When I apply myself, I get great marks but it's the times when I slack off that I walk out of exams depressed. Now why would I want to make myself depressed?! I wouldn't, so the only logical thing to do is work harder next term.

That's enough sch talk for now. Merry christmas! I'm going shopping tomorrow and monday, hopefully I'll pick up some uber cool presents for some ppl. Night.

Holy shit! The most disgusting thing happened to me yesterday. I was on the bus on my way to my mom's optical when this native sat next to me. The story cut short is he asked me for my number. I got hit on my a native, dear lord. I feel so dirty. *shudders* This just reconfirms my suspicions that the only guys that hit on me are complete dirtbags. Where have all the decent ones gone!?!?!?

Totally failed all my finals but whatever, cause I'm done! I am officially on christmas break.

86% on the bio lab final! Freakin sweet! Had my math final today, it went alright although I know there were some questions where I fucked up but I deserved it for not studying more. I'm thinkin I got like a 70% depending on how generous the part marks are. Tomorrow is my last day, got an eng midterm and an organic final. I'm not lookin forward to either.

I wonder how long I can go without getting in any fights with family or friends. I think the major challenge will be with my mom since she is definitely going through menopause. Remember, getting mad is bad for your soul. On a sidenote: I should stock up on pie. I just remembered that when I get really pissed, if I sit down and have a slice of pie all my troubles seem to drift away.

Fuck ya! Today was actually an alright day besides the fact that I am seriously sleep deprived. Even though I didn't have an exam today (which is probably a large part of why it wasn't that bad of a day), I went to sch since I did have an organic help session to go to. Got to sch at 930, did some half-ass studying till about 4 at which point I basically stared at my practice finals without actually doing any real work. But what really made my day was my organic lab final mark: 81%!!!! Freakin right! I know it's not a super great mark but still it's pretty good since I've been pretty down lately. That's all for now.

I'm very disappointed in myself at the moment. And it's hard to focus on the next exam when you just failed. There's important lessons to be learnt by this horrible first term. There's no where to go but up from here.

Hey guys, found somethin else I want to add to the list (originally posted Nov 30)

Romeo Must Die ~$14.99


Also, that Neptunes CD is way cheaper at future shop. It's on sale for ~$14.99! Yay for christmas!

Hmm... I think I have to take chem 163 as a pre-req for physiology..... this whomps. I hate organic chem so much.

By this time next week I will be happy/tired. Hmm... the more I think about it the more I wanna just go home and sleep that day instead of goin to see christmas carol... plus I'd save $55... but it's christmas! I don't know, I'm very indecisive at the moment.

So the marks I need on my finals are as follows:
Chem 101: 2.4 or 2.7
Bio: 2.4 or 2.7
Math: 3.4
Chem 161: 2.4 or 2.7
and Eng midterm: 2.4 or 2.7

If I can get those marks, my average will be around 2.4-2.7 which I'll be happy with. For the most part, I think I'm capable of gettin these marks except eng is a bit if-y cause it all depends on if I'm thinkin sharp that day.

You should all know that I think christmas is the best time of year. Now, with that said, who wants to see a christmas carol playing at the citadel? Now, the price is a bit steep I admit ($55) but come on! It's christmas! And you can count it as my present if you come. Also, whoever gives me a ride home afterward, I'll pay for their ticket. Remember: I live in the booneys way on the edge of town though.

"Numb" - Linkin Park

I'm tired of being what you want me to be
Feeling so faithless lost under the surface
Don't know what you're expecting of me
Put under the pressure of walking in your shoes
(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)
Every step that I take is another mistake to you
(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)

I've become so numb I can't feel you there
I've become so tired so much more aware
I'm becoming this all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you

Can't you see that you're smothering me
Holding too tightly afraid to lose control
Cause everything that you thought I would be
Has fallen apart right in front of you
(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)
Every step that I take is another mistake to you
(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)
And every second I waste is more than I can take

I'll never be good enough for my mom. I know this, but I insist on disregarding it. Why? Why the fuck do I put myself through this for her? Cause I love her but let me tell you I wouldn't love my mom if she wasn't my mom. I hate her so much, I hate the person she is and a large part of the person I am striving to become is everything she is not.

It's like her life goal is to belittle me. I do everything for her, I picked my career for her. My life is set up to be what she wants it to be. I don't know what the fuck she wants from me. I feel like I can't give it to her, she'll never be satisfied. I want to make her proud but everytime I think I'm getting close, it all crumbles. I feel so useless.

I know what I should do. I should live for myself because my life is just that: mine. But if I know this, why don't I do it? Why is it so hard to get out of something I know is bad for me? I hate that I rely on my mom for certain things because I feel like I give so much more than I take and it's never enough for her.

Hello! Just about two weeks till my christmas break starts so I thought I'd put up a preliminary wish list. And if you're gonna get me a present let me know, we'll set up a price range so nobody gets ripped off. 'Tis the season to be giving!

p.s. You have to sort of search for the puma stuff when you get to the foot locker site... for some reason, the links I put up don't lead to the exact product I want. Sorry! Just click on brands (near the top) choose Puma, then focus the search by choosing Women's for Gender (on the left side) and you shouldn't have any trouble finding pics.

Neptunes CD ~$22.99

Large Puma Women's Full Zip Hoodie ~$57.99 OR Large Navy Puma Women's Fleece Hoodie ~$47.99 OR Large Grey Puma Women's 1973 Long-Sleeve Tee ("Pewter/Pearl") ~$23.99

Puma Speed Cats (size 8 men's) ~$100CAN


If you're up for a challenge, I'd be so impressed if someone could find me those pens that change colour when you touch 'em cause of body heat. Does anyone know what I'm talkin about? They were all the craze back when I was in like 4th grade. Also, lindor chocolates are always welcome..... mmm.... milk chocolate...... Anyhoo, better days!

Morning... afternoon.... whichever. The reality of final exams are starting to hit me. What the hell was I thinking? I only have like 5 days to study for 4 finals and a midterm! How the frixis am I gonna pull this off? Shabbily, that's how. Really aiming for a 2.4 this term but next term, nothing short of a 3.0 will be accepted.

Hmm, stayed at sch till 6:30ish tonight for an organic help session which I felt was completely useless.... or certainly not worth that much time on a friday. Hopefully I found it useless because I'm ready for the exam... but just in case, this weekend will be heavy duty studying. Not psychotic studying but not too much wasted time either.

Gotta go to a play tomorrow night for eng class.... not lookin forward to it. Orginally I thought it would be a good time to suck up to my prof but I now just wanna go, watch the play, and go home.

Only two weeks till my revival date. Until then, better days and god bless those of you who have exams coming up. The rest of you can rot in hell! Nah, I'm just messin.

So I'm kinda worried bout how I did on my chem 101 lab final.... I didn't do anythin productive the weekend leading up to it... but ya, I think I'm gettin better just in time for the rest of my first univ finals. I absolutely refuse to let this entire first term be a waste. I'm basically just aiming for a 2.4 average for now but come next term I'm hoping to raise it to 3.0. Better days!

Things are looking up, tomorrow marks my organic chem lab checkout! Slowly, I'm inching my way towards being a better person not only to others, but for myself because I am selfish. I just need to make better decisions that won't give me as many regrets. Hopefully, in the process, I can be a less bitter person.

Crunch time is really starting now, what I need to do is suck it up and get through these finals without screwing myself over... I know this, but it's still unsure whether I will put it into practice. I guess time will tell.

Well, due to my constant procrastination, I had to skip kung fu to write my eng term paper which is due tomorrow. I'm two thirds of the way there!

Moral of the story: leaving something you hate to do till the last minute won't make you hate it any less.

The question in life is not whether you get knocked down. You will. The question is, are you ready to get back up... and fight for what you believe in.
- Dan Qualye

Hey guys, don't have much to say today. Just trying to motivate myself to do sch work but so far, it's not really working. I need to get a C+ on my eng term paper that's due on tues to get back to a C-..... I honestly doubt this is gonna happen since I haven't even started and I have no idea want I want to write. God I hate eng, there's really nothing I can to do that will make a drastic improvement. I go to class, and I leave as the same person having learnt nothing. Life is just so frustrating right now. I hate eng with every fibre of my being.. actually, that's not completely true... I focus quite a bit of my hatred towards organic chem... All I know is I'm still not the person I want to be, it's like something is weighing me down at the moment and I just don't have the strength to overcome it.

....Hmm, I guess I did have quite a bit to say after all... Until next time, better days!

Alright, so we all know that tv is my biggest weakness. What am I going to do about it you ask? I'm only going to watch two hours of tv a day (starting... now!) and if you think that's a lot of tv, you are sorely mistaken and obviously do not know me very well.

I was lying in bed this morning and it came to me, I'm miserable. I really can't wait until my finals are over and I can be happy again. I'm well aware I've said this many times but it's what keeps me going.

Something to keep in mind: give everything your all, it leads to less regrets and it's good for your soul.

The weekend is here! Which I guess isn't too big of a deal except for the fact that I get more sleep. Grr, this weekend marks the beginning of studying for finals and also writing my first eng term paper.... hope I don't fail this....
And 3 weeks till I'm done my exams... then I can be happy again.... I miss being happy...

Saw the Rundown today, it was surprisingly good maybe just because I had such low expectations for it. But honestly, the fight scenes were pretty decent and the rock is not as bad an actor as I had previously anticipated.

Something to keep in mind: be nice to people, it's good for your soul.

The days are winding down till my finals start and I just want to say that I will try so goddamn hard to be a keener and not come out of these exams bitching. I really need to suck it up and put some god's honest work into studying. I'll let you all know how it goes. Better days!

Got my chem 101 midterm #2 back today, quite a pleasant surprise. I beat the average! hahahah! Victory is mine! Athough, I'm sure I could've done better had I utilized my time better... must keep that in mind for finals. Better days!

welps, tomorrow marks my last 161 lab... I guess that's something... I just hope I don't screw it up. Got off at 2pm today, came home, wasted an hour watching general hospital, took a nap for an hour and a half... that seems like a waste of time but I'm sure it paid off. I did not get as much accomplished as I had originally hoped... Must finish bio lab report tomorrow so no ging wu which totally sucks. I hate missing kung fu. And I hate school. And I hate YOU! Nah, I take back the last bit. Well, until next time, better days!

I was watching One Tree Hill today and it hit me "I'm not the person I want to be." Those were the words spoken by one of the characters on the show and I realized that it holds true for myself.

I viewed going into univ as the beginning of the rest of my life and even though I believe this is true, I constantly sabotage my own grades. I don't push myself hard enough to put in the amount of effort I know I need to. Of course, this has started a snowball effect in which the work just keeps piling up on me and I get more and more stressed out. And, believe me, my marks show it... they are extremely ugly as of this moment; I'm just trying to get average this semester and hopefully I can learn from my mistakes and improve next term.

This holds true for other aspects of my life as well. I end up saying stupid things and just not thinking through my actions very clearly. What I need to do is become more sympathetic to other people's needs and also be nicer to people. When I'm in a bad mood, some of my anger tends to leak out when I interact with others and nothing is accomplished except that I get more people mad at me.

I guess I've been a less than enjoyable person ever since univ started so I just wanna apologize to anyone who is nice enough to take the time out of their day to read my miserable blog. I've realized that the only people I talk to are the ones that have the same spares as me and the rest have been sorely neglected. Hopefully I can make it up during my christmas break which starts at 5pm dec 12.

You thought you were standing beside me
You were only in my way
You're wrong if you think that I'll be just like you
You thought you were there to guide me
You were only in my way
You're wrong if you think that I'll be
Just like you

On my own, cause I can't take livin' with you
I'm alone, so I won't turn out like
You want me to

- Three Days Grace

So the stuff in italics are courses I'm registered in this year (thanks to Ada for getting me on the right track when I had no clue what I needed to take) and everything in the first list is required while the last four are recommended which I will most likely take unless I hear really bad things about them in the near future. I've already been warned about microbiology and biochemistry but what choice do I have? Hmm... I need some time to digest this info and contemplate whether I should try to do everything in two years or push it to three..

General Biology (with lab) - 2 terms
General Chemistry (with lab) - 2 terms
Physics (with lab) - 2 terms
Calculus - 1 term
Introductory Psychology - 1 term
English - 2 terms
Physiology (Human or Mammalian) - 2 terms
Introductory Ethics - 1 term
Organic Chemistry - 1 term
Microbiology - 1 term
Biochemistry - 1 term
Statistics - 1 term
Linear Algebra or Geometry or Trigonometry - 1 term

Genetics - 1 term
Immunology - 1 term
Virology - 1 term
Sociology - term

All the days bleed together which results in excrutiating pain at times. Is nothing sacred anymore? I use my weekend to study! My goal this weekend is to not watch bad tv except joe shmo which I have to tape for English class; I think I'll label the tape "the pinnacle of bad television: joe shmo" some stupid girl recommended the show but she doesn't know how to work her vcr, what the deuce is wrong with people? Anywho, I hope I get to go shopping this weekend just because I haven't really gone in quite a while. Hmm, I guess that's all I have to say since I am sorely disappointed in the world at the moment.

Good news guys, I got above average on my second organic midterm! Sweet! I also had a 101 midterm today... grr.... All in all, it's been a really long day. Massive headache from my organic lab (which I despise) in which I had to use ether, stay away from that stuff! Which reminds me, I was listening to the radio this morning and lost all faith in my generation. "Some kids were trying to spike the punch at a party with a bottle labeled alcohol. It turned out to be methanol."

Well, I had a four day long weekend and I blew it. I know, I know. I've sang this song so many times I'll bet you all know the words. But I figured that tv is my weakness. I just keep watchin these crappy shows that distract me from my studies and I need to find a way to block out tv or something, I don't know.... I saw the matrix this weekend which I don't feel too badly about since I studied for 4 hours straight before going to see it. I just wish I would've done more on sat and sun..... but wishing won't make it so *sigh*. Anywho, revolutions was definitely a letdown in my eyes, but it depends on who you talk to because diff people liked the matrix trilogy for different reasons. Myself, I liked it for the philosophy "what is the matrix?" and also the martial arts so revolutions disappointed me... but if you're more into the effects maybe it'll live up. That's all for now!

Hello, hello. On this day, I hope we all take a little time to think about what we should be thinking every day: that our lives are the direct result of real heroes risking their lives for ours.

On a lighter note: wanna give a shoutout to francey who is the creator of my blogskin, just so we're clear you're the so called genius I was referring to.

Flander's Field

In Flanders Field the poppies blow
Between the crosses, row on row
That mark our place; and in the sky
The larks, still bravely singing, fly
Scarce heard amid the guns below.

We are the Dead. Short days ago
We lived, felt dawn, saw sunset glow,
Loved, and were loved, and now we lie
In Flanders field.

Take up our quarrel with the foe;
To you from failing hands we throw
The torch, be yours to hold it high.
If ye break faith with us who die
We shall not sleep, though poppies grow
In Flanders field.

John McCrae 1872 - 1918

Morning all. I just had the best sleep in quite a long while. I find that if I don't get enough sleep, which is what happens the entire week while I'm at sch, then I don't think clearly; it's as if I'm walking around just going through the motions. but not this weekend! I get a four day long weekend since univ fall break is mon. I wanna do somethin mon so places'll be less crowded 'cause a lotta ppl still have work/sch. So if anyone wants to hang out downtown/chinatown or west ed, lemme know. (Sunday is also an option.) Keep in mind I would really like to go shopping, see the matrix or kill bill.

It's disappointing that we live in a world that is so caught up in a rat race. My bio prof made an interesting comment at the end of today's class, "have a good long weekend and remember why you're getting a long weekend." To be perfectly honest, the thought hadn't really crossed my mind. All I was thinking was that I get four whole days off to study and sort of relax a bit... and I think that's horrible. "Lest we forget"

Why is it that the people you wanna see, you never run into but the people you'd much rather not talk to... those are the ones who seem to be everywhere. Is this the case or does it just seem this way?

Who wants to see the matrix? Leave a tag

Tonight was a sort of bitter sweet event. My mom put on a family dinner since my aunt who lives in new york is leaving early tomorrow morning. She cries every time.... I wasn't gonna cry till she started..

Hmm, the ging wu chinese new year banquet is on my bday this year. On my eighteenth bday to be exact. This kinda sucks since I am morally obligated to attend as well as perform. I had had hopes of becoming sijai this year but due partly to my lack of attendence I highly doubt that will be happening.... Perhaps next yr...
At first, my plan was to hit the bars at midnight but decided against it. Since Jan 17 is a sat this year, I thought it would be perfect but, alas, a conflict of interest has arisen. Oh well, it won't be all bad. I mean, there'll still be alchy just not in crazy amounts....

I buckled down last night and got some quality cramming done, went to school early and skipped eng to get even more cramming in. I think it paid off 'cause when I was writing the exam, I actually kinda knew what I was doing. I'm assuming I'll get my mark back next thurs. It's out of my hands now. I feel fairly confident that this upcoming 4 day weekend will be sufficient for chem 101 studying. (Exam on wed.)

Also, I shall do something semi-interesting this weekend. Perhaps, see kill bill or matrix......
That's all for now!

Yet another waste of a weekend, if I fail another mid term it will, again, be all my fault. Why can't I work harder?!?!? What the fuck is wrong with me. I need to stop wallowing in my own pity.